The Savvy American Media

A scene where American voters are engaged in a panel discussion with the savvy American Media on TV represented by Bill O’Reilly (host of the FoxNews Soap opera), Rush Limbaugh (President of Club Ditto-Heads), Wolf Blitzer (Ring Leader of CNN’s 24/7 Soap programming), and the moderator – Jon Stewart (host of the Daily Show and the only sane person in the I. I. A: Insane Infotainment Asylum).

Jon: Let’s start by asking a simple question: Are American voters going to be able to decide wisely in November?

Bill: What kind of a question is that? Of course they are. Many of our viewers can tell you right now who is ahead in the pig race. It’s Palin.

Rush: Same goes for my listeners. They are better educated and more knowledgeable about the main issues – Palinmania and Palintology.

Wolf: At CNN, we focus on giving Americans the facts repeatedly, over and over again, so that eventually they’ll be able to draw the right conclusions.

Jon: Really? How many of your young viewers can find Iraq or Afghanistan on a map?

Bill: A large number I suppose.

This is echoed by Rush and Wolf.

Jon: The facts are as follows, gentlemen. Six out of 10 young people (ages 18 to 29) could not find Iraq or Afghanistan on a map. And only two out of five Americans knew that we have three branches of government and could name them. So it doesn’t appear that young voters are smart today.

Bill: I don’t know where you are getting these numbers from. Young people are smart and pay a lot of attention to the news.

Jon: By reading newspapers?

Rush: Heck no. They get better quality news by listening to my talk show.

Wolf: No, I think they get all their news from my Situation Room.

Bill: C’mon guys. You know as well as I do that young people are smart because they get their news from Fox, and Facebook and the Internet.

Rush: Let me ask you, Jon. Do you know what Palintology is?

Jon: No. I don’t have a clue.

Rush: See, that’s what I meant. If you listened to my show you would know that Palintology is the advanced study of Sarah Palin and how she sees the world – especially Russia – she can see it from her back yard – in fact when she IMs Putin she says: “Can see u grilling Vlad, ur pork chop is burnt – lol.” Oh-Bama could never engage in such neighborly diplomacy.

Jon: Thanks Rush. Since you brought up the issue of pork, what’s going on about this Lipstick on a Pig issue?

Rush: This election is all about Lipstick. Senator Oh-Bama made it a central issue by calling Sarah Palin a pig.

Wolf: I don’t think he called her a pig. I think it was a remark made about McCain’s policies.

Bill: McCain who? He is no longer relevant to the Republican campaign.

Jon: But that’s a common phrase that has been used many times before. All it means is “making the unattractive superficially attractive” – by saying that this remark was made about her, are you admitting that Sarah Palin is unattractive? Let’s get some viewer input.

Call-in from a viewer: This is for the panel – Women have always applied lipstick to decorate their faces – starting with the ancient Indus Valley civilization. Isn’t that the main issue for female candidates?

Jon: Who wants to take that?

Wolf: The caller is absolutely right. In fact, that’s the reason CNN dissed Hillary Clinton during the primaries – because she never touted her lipstick. The reason the polls have shifted dramatically towards the Republicans is because of lipstick.

Call-in from another viewer: How crass is that analysis? The facts are as follows. Lipstick can also be applied by males – it’s called manstick. And a female pig is called a sow – to get the gender equality correct – the phrase should be “lipstick on a sow” or “manstick on a pig” – as it stands now, lipstick on a pig should not really be an issue.

Rush: I’m sure the caller is an intellectual, highfalutin liberal boar. Don’t you know that our listeners and viewers – even the educated ones – are not savvy enough to get into this level of analysis – they just listen to what we tell them – and if we repeat ourselves over and over again – well, then that becomes the central issue of the campaign.

Jon: We have to stop now. Thank you gentlemen. And thank you to our viewers, who have become guinea pigs of the infotainment industry.